Free DNA Tests Will End Marriages. Women Empowerment Agency Warns President

Free DNA Tests Will End Marriages. Women Empowerment Agency Warns President

In a bold and eyebrow-raising statement, the Women Empowerment Agency has issued a tongue-in-cheek yet serious warning to President Hakainde Hichilema: “Don’t open Pandora’s box by making DNA tests free, unless you want mass divorces and fatherless homes!”

Speaking in Lusaka, agency’s Director, Martha Tembo, didn’t mince her words. “Your Excellency, if you make DNA testing free, forget 2026. You’ll be the first president in Zambia to lose an election because of paternity scandals!” she quipped.

According to Ms. Tembo, the proposed policy is a direct threat to national peace and the sanctity of the ‘it’s-your-child-whether-it-looks-like-you-or-not’ doctrine many households have quietly adopted.

“Let’s not pretend,” she continued. “Statistics and aunties at kitchen parties confirm what many fear: about 40% of married women have engaged in extramarital affairs. Now imagine every man rushing for a free DNA test like it’s Black Friday. It’ll be chaos. Marriages will collapse, children will be abandoned, and the courts won’t even have time to breathe!”

Instead, Ms. Tembo proposed that Zambia borrow a page from Tanzania’s playbook: “Over there, if a man is married to a woman, all children born in that marriage are legally his no questions asked, no swabs needed. That’s the African way. That’s how we preserve unity, sanity, and Sunday family lunch.”